The Imperfect Life

"Aap toh humesha se velle the, logon ka kaatne ke liye humesha time tha aapke paas !" - SharmaVvk

The constant use of such a quote probably sums up the misery as well as the aura of nonchalance I have created for myself. Notwithstanding any effect it has on the mental psyche, specially when it comes from one of the few close friends I have made in spite of such incredulous behaviour, this has most definitely pushed me to "prove" myself that I was right in all those wrong doings and that my reason was for the greater good and that my priorities at those times led me towards making those decisions and the fact that I am writing this only shows the deep guilt buried inside me.

Without making this look like a suicide note or one of those I-am-repentant-for-what-I-have-done articles, I'll tell you why I am writing this. I am writing this because I am extremely bored in office right now, plain and simple. Other reasons may include the extreme desire I feel to vent out all the worldly crap burning inside me for a long long time now, but, that's just for the emotions part, so, don't read much into that line.

Born amidst a curfew, my life hasn't ever been very pushy mentally or physically. The about-to-burst-appendicitis is the maximum pain I have felt and the joy of watching a Sachin Tendulkar master class when I was just 8 is the extrema of my happiness, thrill and adventure. And mind you, I am not adding the Chetan-Bhagat-spice of making out in the college lecture hall or sleeping with my professor's amazingly beautiful daughter, so you can pretty much take my word on what I said about my life.

However, uninteresting it seems from the panorama, I have always enjoyed my life because this is what I have made out of it, and if I were not proud of it, no one else would give a damn either. Having always believed that showing the negative sense of emotions in the wake of adversity is the easiest way to harm the beauty in and around you, I have never really believed in showing any emotions except the happy-go-lucky, come-what-may image I chose for myself. For I have always felt that circumstances must never govern the man, the man must make way through the circumstances.(Let the background score begin) But this is where it all ends.

I've come to a point where the little discrepancies I overlooked, the little emotions I didn't care about, the little love I always wanted but never demanded, the sorrowful hurt I carried, the anger and aggression I never let go off, it has all come to the fore and sticking onto me like the monkey-on-my-back.

I guess, this is the point of my life, where I embrace the imperfections, the flaws, the grey areas, the dark shade of myself. This is where I must understand that I can't live without them, that I am as incomplete without them as cricket without Sachin, that they are as much a part of me as the smiles and laughters I have hid them under are. (I say this like the Lion King) Yes, I embrace the frustration, the hatred, the anger, the sorrow, the dashed hopes, the unfulfilled dreams, the broken promises, the indifferent attitude, the fake me; yes, today, I accept them all with glee. The happiness because today a part of me comes home. The estranged son reunites with the parent. The Nagas finally come home to the Shiva (I could've done without it, but, this is to show that I've read the Shiva trilogy, at least heard of it). Today, I feel proud to call the 22 and a half years, My Imperfect Life.

The imperfections of being a strange son, a stranger grandson, a difficult brother. The imperfections of being an untrustworthy friend (though, I hate this). The imperfections of being in a failed, battered, bruised relationship. The imperfections of letting down those whom I liked. The imperfections of letting down those who liked me. The imperfections of letting down the people who love me in spite of my misdoings. The imperfections of being the absolute die-heart optimist. The imperfections of still living this life normally and not doing a thing about it.

But, hey, I was never the bad guy. Why am I framing everything against me. Is it just the displeasure of being on the wrong end that lives within me or is it bad taste of my own medicine (so as to say) that lurks inside me. I have my reasons for not helping the distraught. I have my explanations for not putting my hand up when I should have. I have my priorities at the time to affect my decisions. I couldn't portend future at the time of making my calls. I didn't know the very basis of all my choices would be uprooted from me. And now, I can't sit with my head in my hand and say "Why me?". Of course, I can't. I didn't say it when it was all working fine, when my troubles seemed at bay with the same attitude, when the world looked a much simpler place to go around.

Yes, I get it. I made a promise to you. I made a promise to stand by whenever you required me. I promised to help whenever and in whichever capacity I could. I made a promise. I made a lot of promises. And I broke a lot of those. I broke a whole lot of those. Why ? Because in all I did, I always thought of the greater good. But now I know, Fuck greater good. I only thought of what could make me happy right then. There was no greater good. There was just me and my selfishness. Or maybe the worldly pleasures I could gain at that instant keeping a few people, their hopes and their wants from me at bay. Selfish ! Nailed it !

But it's simpler to sit on the fence, to judge what I did, why I did it, and cry about the hurt I caused you. Oh no, it's never a single side that suffers. Why should I keep it in my heart that you have a score to settle with me while I can also call for a bit of compassion for all I wanted was to not hurt you, not let you feel a loner in your path, not let go of the faith you had in me, not let the smile on your face disappear. Yes, I didn't think that it'll hurt you if it won't pan out correctly. Yes, I'm at fault. But my intention is not. It doesn't hurt me when you blame my actions, my choices or my decisions, what hurts is when you doubt my intentions, when you're sceptic about trusting me again since I couldn't deliver the last time. I didn't do it to lose trust.

Ok, I know, half of you are stuck at the failed relationship part. Yes, it failed, no, it bombed. But, it began alright. It felt good. It went good. But, it didn't end well. It ended sour. It hurt. It hurt badly. But, I'm happy that it's over. It may have taken a part of me with it, but, I'm happy that I'm still the same without it. And it must always be this way around. I changed while it lasted for I felt, I'll be a better person this ways. Nobody forced me into it. So, no retracting the taken path. Be who you are. Be what you've become and imbibe the beauty of what has transpired. It happened now because it could've hurt more had it not happened now.

Alright, no more relationship stuff. So, the turmoil must end. And it will. 'Coz I must do as I desire for I've taken what has landed in front of me for long. It's time to go for that adventure trip, time to make the leap of faith, time to raise the fantasia to a new level (many will know where I picked this), time to come out of the cocoon, time to let go and FLY.

They keep telling you to go for the stars and aim high and aim big and work towards that goal of yours. But, I'm not the guy who gets motivated by that. I'm not the guy to climb the Mount Everest. I'm not the guy who goes for the stars. I want the clouds instead. I want to live within the sufficiency of my needs. And I'll leave no stone unturned to get that fulfilled. The clouds give me my place. I love them. They are boastful, yet calm. They make the scene a beauty and instill faith, hope and joy in the surrounding. They are powerful, yet serene. I like them. I want to be with them.

So, to all those, whom I've hurt, I'm sorry. I give no reasons. I expect no mercy. And to those who've hurt me (I know this as much as you do). Well, it's a simple, Fuck You.

And to the beautiful people who mean the world to me. To the guy I want to be, to the guy with the hard work and hard words, to the guy who embodies "mein fikr ko dhuein mei udata chala gaya", to the guy with tough looks and tougher paradigms, to the mental stability of somebody, to the girl whose innocence will be reflected when she calls me after reading this, to the smile that takes my heart away, to all of you who've stuck by my side when even I wouldn't have, I have just one thing to say, "Thank You".

And to myself, oh boy, the journey has begun, let's become the Champion of the Imperfect Life.

If only I could stand at the edge of the cliff and give a big shout out to life, "Here I come !"

Till later....